Five Films Marina Abramovic and Lars Von Trier Should Make Together

Yesterday we learned that Marina Abramovic publicly solicited Lars Von Trier to aid her in the creation of “Seven Deaths,” a multi-part film that will chronicle the demise of seven opera singers, with each segment to be helmed by a different director. In her video plea, which she released via Sweden’s public service channel SVT, Abramovic addressed Von Trier directly: “You really bring the actors on the edge of complete nervous breakdowns,” she said. “Because I am a performance artist, I understand very well what you are doing.” Indeed, Von Trier is likely no stranger to performance art, what with speculation that his bombastic press conference statements are more put-on than, say, actual unbridled misogyny; it seems theirs is a match made in a particularly washed-out, unflinching heaven. So, in anticipation of what ought to be the beginning of a beautiful partnership, we’ve dreamed up a few other projects that the dynamic duo might take on.

“Meat-Cute”

A down-on-his-luck butcher (Willem Dafoe) falls for one of his female customers (Marina Abramovic), and in an effort to win her heart, locks her in his freezer and drapes her naked body in raw meat as she looks stoically ahead, reveling in the ecstasy of shame amid the carcasses. At some point, Charlotte Gainsbourg arrives, looking troubled.

“Pride & Prejudice”

In the untold tenth circle of Hell, the Prideful (Charlotte Gainsbourg, Catherine Deneuve, Kirsten Dunst) are punished for their mortal sins by crawling through pits of entrails, suffering genital mutilation, and listening to Marina Abramovic talk about her Method. Also starring Shia LaBoeuf as Mr. Darcy.

“Crime Never Sleeps, Or Pays, So Basically, It’s Performance Art”

A straight-laced detective (Marina Abramovic) and a loose-canon renegade (James Franco) have only 24 hours to solve the case of God’s death or face the wrath of their bureau chief, played by a hunk of healing quartz.

“Step Up 6”

Troupes of blind ballerinas compete against one another to see who can learn the most scathingly despairing lessons about the cruelty of mankind. Also, they are naked.

“Christmas in the Carpathians”

Holiday dinners at the Kovačevićs’ never quite go smooth, what with Father’s (Stellan Skaarsgaard) thinly veiled rage regarding his impotence and the looming specter of their young child’s accidental death. But things really take a turn when Mother (Marina Abramovic) burns the roast, carves a pentagram in her stomach, and crucifies herself. Charlotte Gainsbourg looks on, troubled.

— Anneliese Cooper (DawnDavenport) and Ashton Cooper (ashton_cooper)

(Photo: Still from “Antichrist”)