Jeff Koons Lubes Up

When richer-than-all-of-us blue-chip artist Jeff Koons designed a BMW and then posed, leering, next to the color-splashed car in front of the Eiffel Tower, we thought, OK. Jesus Christ, man. But, OK. Then we went to Luxembourg & Dayan’s show of his “Made in Heaven” works and gagged at all of the unspeakable things that we saw Koons doing. Parts of Koons were just hanging out there, really just dangling, you know? We had finally seen enough, we decided. We could take no more. And then this happened: the balloon master has announced that he is lending his brand appeal — and “tulips” painting design — to a new limited-edition Kiehls Crème de Corps (a.k.a. body lotion).

Suddenly the image of a pump bottle of creamy mousturizer combined with the haunting un-heavenly Luxembourg & Dayan flashbacks we’ve been having every time we close our eyes really sent us over the edge. Even though all of the profits (up to $200,000) from the Koons-emblazoned products will benefit the Koons Family Institute, an initiative of the International Centre for Missing & Exploited Children, we realized that, given the new level of unabated horror our Koons-induced trauma had reached, we’d never be able to sleep again. So we did what we always do when we’re suffering from art-and-lotion-induced insomnia. We made a list. Of all of the other artist products (and services) we would never, ever pay for. Because they would be a bad idea.

1. Tracey Emin Stain Remover

2. Carolee Schneemann Telegrams

3. Vito Acconci Fertilizer

4. Piero Manzoni Canned Food

5. Bas Jan Ader Boating Tours

6. Santiago Sierra Dating Service

7. Dan Colen (Pre-Masticated) Chewing Gum